November 26, 2016

A 8 year old boy. VS His Church's Congregation, Protesting at Planned Parenthood, Washington State, 1980

The majority of peoples on this planet follow religions; each of them have books to prove their that their truth is the only real truth. Just among the Christians of  America and the unquestionable  truth of their Bible you end up with over 150 million people; that compose the congregations of hundreds of different sects within their own religion; they do not get along with each other for many reasons.  There are 37 different Christian Bibles, revisions and re interpretations currently  being distributed.  These different sects and major congregations use their Bible, which has been edited to be more true to the real truth of the one and only God they worship. The only problem with that, is if your Bible says The Only God and father of Jesus Christ said one thing, and different Bible of the same major branch of Christians says that Jesus Christ actually was God in mortal form; you have a problem. The one and only God cannot exist in a vast maelstrom of inconsistencies, all claim to be true and they all come from the same sources; there can be no one true God because they cannot be one unified people in their belief within the same religion. The word Bible in its earliest form translates as "A collection of books, or writings".  One of the most distributed Bibles in the USA is the divine hack job "The American King James Bible" which can be found in almost every single Motel 6 in the united states. (recent numbers still report that The Holy Bible sells 100,000,000.00 copies a year and has sold over 5 billion in the modern era) Even the KJB has been molested by holy editors with 6 listed revisions since 1963. It now exists as "The 21st Century King James Version", or just  "KJ21"

For fun, compare some of the Christian Bibles, like "The American New Testament Revised Version" and "The New American Bible" with any number of other popular American Bibles being used in churches across the nation and around the world.

I suggest using The Bible Gateway Academic Research Page

But I digress.

It is important to know where the people that made me came from a bit as it pertains to religion.

My mothers mom and dad were not seriously involved in the religious aspect of their Christian Community.They went to Church, because that is what everyone did, and you didn't skip church or make waves in a small but powerful farming sector of California where she grew up from 1938 1956. She had been raised protestant as was the whole family. Her father, my grandfather was an inventor and Plantation foreman for Orange crops in California. My moms mother was cursed. She had a bombshell body with dark Hollywood eyes that made men drool and holler when she went out; she was also a genius level academic. She was an autodidact, ambidextrous and spoke 3 languages.

 My mother would shoot two trivia questions from the masters trivia books they had. Her mother would write the answer to each question at the same time with a different hand. Her mother loved loved her husband, but she was trapped in the 1950's. The only role the family would allow for her was that of the American housewife. During the 50's and early 60's this was a very highly propagandized self image, you were supposed to want to be it; and if you got it, you were expected to show the world how happy you were that you had the American Dream.  She hated that fake bullshit social prison and was smart enough to see through the propaganda. That world had no respect for uppity females and they actively hated intelligent, strong women.

  A Hollywood knockout beauty of a woman with a brain to match any academic institutions honors program in the world.  Her family was made up of 7 sisters with enough children, in laws, aunts, uncles, cousins and so forth that almost everyone in Anaheim was a relative of some sort. The family affairs were dealt with by the judgmental matriarchs in the family, and they were all pretty damn snaggle faced; I have seen a couple photos:yikes. They were jealous, they hated her for her natural beauty; they especially hated her for her mind.If she was allowed to go to University she would be notice in the social circles, and she would be the pretty smart one.  It was her family that forced her to get married instead of going to University after college.Despite her love for her husband, she was bitter and was going insane trapped in that life. So my grandmother drank herself to death at the early age of 38.

My mother was prettier, she had eyes of dark hazel brown and green that sparkled and laughed.Her mother had dark, deep piercing eyes, beautiful in an intriguing way. My mother grew up naive and pure hearted; she could never understand how people could ever be nasty or cruel to each other or the world. She maintained a majority of that genuine belief in human goodness until her death in 2016 at the age of 77. She was kind, stubborn, artistically gifted, ambidextrous like her mother but with a mind that could make things that didn't exist, draw them and then build them. She had her father's artistic vision, problem solving skills, and invention; her mother hated her for it. Her father loved her like breath.

Wow, huge historical tangent. anyhow back to the point.

My mother at 18 fell in love with a young man named Gary, they eloped and were deeply in love. My mothers extended family had other plans for her; they tracked the couple down, had the young man arrested, (It seems that between the her mother's relatives,and their extended network, they had sheriffs, judges and military commanders that owed them favors.) and thrown in jail without being charged.

The judge had the official county document of Marriage annulled and threatened Gary with baseless crimes and prison. The young man was given only one option to escape prison, join the Army. He was picked up by the Army commander and sent to boot camp the same week. The Korean War was in its second year and my mother never heard from Gary again.

   When she showed the marriage license and explained that they were in love and married, it was torn up in front of her. Within two weeks she was married to a man she knew from going to high school, who was well placed within the middle class outer edge of the families social circles and who had been secretly in love with her for years in school. To erase the scandal they made the match happen. and she was married twice in one month, But now she was Mrs.Everett Lawrence, they had taken away her first and last name and named her after her husband.

.    She had 4 children with Everett Lawrence, and she loved being a mom and making babies, but even though she loved him, she knew that this life was choking the spirit from her being; it wasn't the life she was was supposed to be doing. Her mother died in front of her trying to fit into this same mold my mother was not going to let that happen again in her lifetime. She had to be free, a divorce was the only path.  She couldn't stand the gossip, hating, backward complementing and confusing jealousy of her extended family (I went to a Lawrence family reunion once when I was 9; to see that many people; almost 400 attended, and know they were all related. )  

     She faced the shame and absolute terror of being cast out and shunned by everyone she knew, even her father in Arizona turned his back on her, as did her brother and sister. She didn't know anyone else but her family and his family. So she took her 4 kids and made her way alone. My half brothers and sisters spent the majority of their time with my mom and summers with their father.

 I didn't come around until 5 years after my mom divorced. She was seduced by a bright eyed and smooth talking preacher and real estate speculator. He was in town traveling with his Baptist Evangelicals down the coast in the nice spring and summer weather. Old school tent in a field, near a creek, baptisms, people talking in tongues and even some faith healing. That was my dad, the shyster. He didn't know it, he believed what he was selling, and that made him an excellent salesmen.
After a few days and before his revival crew packed up for the next town, He convinced my mother that God, wanted them to make love, she believed it. She was knocked up, divinely.

In April of 1973, 2 days before I was born my father demanded that my mother marry him, he would not allow his child to born a bastard; which for Catholics is like making your entire family tolerate a flatulent idiot or a walking turd at the family gatherings; it also meant you be hounded and tortured in the Catholic Education System. So she married him while she was in a wheelchair and then went into 36 hours of labor. I was finally delivered by Cesarean section. Days afterward I was lawfully baptized Irish Catholic family of the O'Neill's . My father's side of the family were lawyers, supreme court judges, Civil Rights Activists, Newspaper Editors and war heroes going back to the American Civil War. Hardcore Irish Catholics for generations. My Aunt was a Mother Superior for 10 years in Oregon; until she became a lawyer herself.. So for my father's side, it was never any question that I would be raised in the catholic system.

But my mom did not want to be married to my father, and without being a dick about it, he was, and is the rotten apple of a huge family of awesome people. They have all spent good portions of their lives covering up his messes and supporting his failures. I never liked him, from infancy, and when I met him again at 7, I still didn't like him; when I called him when I turned 18,,, well it was a fight club moment, no shit. The last time I met with him was when I was 29, and we spent a couple days together. I am pretty damn good at sensing a person, and I just couldn't find anything in this man that I could look up to or even find slightly charming. He is a weasel..  So, yeah, I was raised by my mom as an only child most the time. I actually didn't know that my father was alive until I was seven. The only way my mom could get me enrolled in schools, find places to live and get jobs was to tell people she was a widow, so that is what I told people. They felt sorry for me, and I thought that was weird. How could they feel bad he was dead if I didn't?

One thing my mother made sure of while I was growing up was that I had access to investigate and be a part of any religion I wanted. She didn't go to church, she was on a path of east Indian spiritualism and Zen. She never forced any theology on me. Her only rules were be true to yourself, stand by your decisions with honor but always be ready to take responsibility for your mistakes, and most of all, learn from them.
 .  So I grew up around many different Christian Sects and studied within their walls; Catholic, Protestant, Baptist,Witnesses, Seventh Day Adventists, Evangelical and even some time getting to know The Latter Day Saints (Mormons). I was kicked out of bible school in Washington State at 9 or 10 yrs old for engaging the teacher in a discussion. Despite being a top student and winner of many prizes for my recitations of verse and ability to debate the meaning and application of scripture to the world around us; I was tried, sentenced and convicted on the spot. My crime was refusing to allow the teacher to shut down the conversation with answers like, "you just believe,,Faith is the answer,,, the truth of the Bible is fact,,", while I sincerely needed to have a serious, logical, discussion about the paradoxes of faith.
Expelled from Sunday school in the middle of class for not accepting "Faith" as a logical justification for all the WTF moments of the scriptures.

This really sucked, because Sunday school was my only time I was free of my brother in law, as you will find out.

Finally I was cast out of the church Community for the crime of rebelling against their actions and beliefs.   It happened at a Planned Parenthood Pro-Life Protest (1979). First off,  I would not yell the hateful and disgusting accusations they were chanting,  nor would I hold or waive the signs. It all felt wrong and had nothing to do with what I had learned before at any church. Where was the charity, mercy, forgiveness and unity? Why so much hate against someone who wasn't attacking us?

      Suddenly a young woman was smacked with a sign as she tried to get to the clinic. She fell to her knees, huddled in terror. The woman who hit her, she was from my church?! She had always seemed to be so nice and, Christian. As soon as I saw the young woman get hit and fall to the ground she I saw them moving in to surround her. I ran to her side and blocked her from the righteous screaming jackals. I may have been only 9, and I was most definitely a scrawny looking 9 yr old boy (My 9 year old girl is 3 times the size I was at her age.) but they all knew me, my recitations were filled with genuine passion for the word; my passion was inflamed with the power of Justice and most backed away from my glare of vicious disappointment. One believer tried to physically remove me; I snapped at his hand with the fierceness of a cornered raccoon, and he backed away.

I helped her to her feet and walked her to the clinic doors where she was taken inside to safety. I turned and faced a silent hateful mob, I could feel their disgust and heard the word traitor and heathen from more than one voice. So at 9 1/2 years old, I lowered my gaze but not my head and walked home. I was lashed with my sister's husband's belt, then grounded to my room and suspended from any and all activities that might bring me any joy. A week of solitary confinement in a room with only a bed and a writing desk, where I was not allowed to read, draw look out the window. I was allowed to write my mother a letter each day, but my letters were subject to approval for content by my brother in law; this often led to me being spanked with his belt again for writing about what had been happening and how I was being treated. The letters were ripped up in front of me. Only 3 or 4 letters ever reached my mother, and their content was limited to anything but what was happening to me. I only mention the letters because they played a big part in my loss of faith in the Christian's Deities. My letters may were not getting through, but one thing my brother in law could not control was my right of communication with the divine through prayer; and I prayed, morning, day and at night until I fell asleep, my heart truly open and pouring with intense sadness and love. "Please help me, I live by your virtues and have stood against the hatred of the false accusers. I am punished for my actions, which shows them the reflection of their own crimes."

That prayer didn't help. So my final prayers to this God, were chanted through  my tears each night as I lay in bed, "Please, whisper to my mother, have her call me. Please, just one phone call, he cannot refuse you to speak to me, all she has to hear is me cry out once, and she will save me. I don't ask for you, or Jesus or the Angels to save me, all I ask for is a phone call. Thank you."

No phone call came and I finally opened up depths of my own spirit I had never known of announced to the universe that this deity had been given my love, my trust, my faith and my devotion, and in my time of need, this child was ignored and left to face the very worst of abuses of a cowardly bully; who called himself a Christian. I know I will not be punished for denouncing you, I am already punished and cast out by your people for being true to your teachings. With all my spirit I let go of all I had been told was true. My being opened up and bloomed and I felt, for the first time a small part of an immense universe. I had taken a leap of faith, in myself, love and the wonders of the unknown.

Looking back on it all, it was both the event at the protest and my punishment that broke me of the Christians conditioning of faith in their God and the unquestionable purity and truth of their Bible

So after 43 years of life I know what I am not.

 I am not a Christian, Buddhist or Muslim; nor am I involved in any sects or splinter groups from any organized religion or adherents to a holy doctrine. I have never tried to make anyone believe as I; nor do I preach something that needs to be believed to be real.

 I do not argue about beliefs, that is as futile and counterproductive as trying to convince a total stranger that they are actually you. That would be silly. (On second thought, it isn't that far fetched on a global scale.)

 In my view, Creation is a fact. Whatever triggered the Creation of Existence is unfathomably intense. It cannot be described or understood by any available form of expression; except in abstract, which subsequently can not be easily grasped or understood . So when it comes down to it, there is no reason at all to waste time arguing about something that cannot be comprehended.

If a sentient creator exists, it would not be inside our linear existence. That would be like making a burrito than trying to climb inside it and eat yourself.
Time is the abstract that defines our path through life, we created the concept of time and it is as much a fiction as anything else people just suddenly believe in., An entity that can create existence from the void, seriously, if you were capable of understanding something that Godly, you would be one. And in a way we are, we created gods, and time and as we understand things they come into our existence. They may already be there, and they may even have their own names or some other form of understanding that we do not. In an infinitely massive universe, the single most egotistical and self important creation I can think of is the idea that a being who made all existence, gives a rats ass about some biological specks that on the cosmic scale of entropic decay will blow away like dust in an instant, swooping off an insignificant, slightly larger piece of dust.

 I have my whole life to see and experience this amazing gift of mortal life and I won't waste any of my time trying to invalidate what is all around us so I can justify feeling superior about nothing at all..

November 06, 2016

Something a dear friend reminded me of.

I was feeling the fear rising in me over this election, and very few people know why this fear is real.
My friend sent me this message, which I am posting here so I will see it again each time it is needed.

"You, unlike many, have traversed into the world beyond the bubble where the value of human life is negligible and justice is a lofty concept just out of reach for the common person. You have seen real poverty, real despair and real struggle. You returned to find your fellow citizens having very little true understanding of the scope of the gift and responsibility of liberty they are afforded by virtue of their citizenship. And the perspective you have has cost you your innocence. But my brother that is your burden to bear. You have done this so they don't have to. That is the truth of your sacrifice; you have to exist in the bubble knowing what waits beyond. You can not force them to see through the bubble. You can appeal to their sensibilities but they will never know what you know unless they choose to be involved as you have done. On the day after the election we are still Americans no matter what. But when I think about what that means; the peaceful transfer of power, I will think of people like you who toed the line and made it possible. Our burden is costly but it is necessary."